Just Do It!

That Nike phrase still hits home. Most of my life I've been a coward. Fearful of failure. I've needed to feel successful, I guess, so never really took any risks, always staying on the safe side where I knew I could succeed at what I did. There have been several things in my life that I have really wanted to try. When I was in college, I really wanted to audition for a nationally known singing-touring group. I do believe I was good enough and all my friends urged me to do it. The commitment was for 1 year, very little, if any, pay, and I would be putting school on hold while traveling all over the country ministering the gospel message. When I approached my parents with the idea, they were skeptical to say the least. Every negative that could be imagined was thrown at me. They were not supportive at all, thought the whole idea was crazy and that I would be another year later graduating. And wasn't that the whole idea behind college? Working hard, graduating, getting a job, and supporting yourself? Summer was for working and saving enough money for next school year. I was the first in my family to ever go to college and they looked at it as a stepping stone to financial security rather than a platform for experiencing life lessons.  So, being the goody-two-shoes daughter I was, I 'honored my parents' and put my dream up on the back shelf where it is still collecting dust. That summer I worked in a factory and cut my finger off (doctors were able to reattach. Doubt I'd have been using a ban saw if I was singing!) I've grown over the last 35 years, and I have always regretted that decision. Not the honoring my parents part, but the following your heart part. I'll never know if I could have done it because I was too afraid my parents were right.  I decided when my children were born that I would give them every opportunity and support to 'follow their heart' regardless of how i felt about it--- (as long as it was relatively safe and didn't threaten their lives!!) Both of them have stepped out and accomplished more than I could have ever hoped at this point in their lives. I hope they have no regrets.

One step forward, 3 steps back...

Well, great spiritual revelations are usually followed with humiliating flubs. All that spiritual fruit I was growing so carefully got lopped off when I exploded at my sweet husband over something really stupid  As soon as I said it, I felt black and dirty... sin's like that sometime. Rears its ugly head and howls with delight when we trip up and fall flat on our witness. So, I crawled back and humbly apologized, (but he took his sweet time accepting it, enjoying every minute of my humiliation!) So with the air all clear, I went in my office to do my Bible study lesson for the day. I just stared at the title...Dealing with Sin. Is God trying to teach me or what!! So this week I'm learning what sin really is, realizing that we will not be perfect until we are glorified with God, so sin will be a reality in my life. I am not immune, but it also does not cancel out my salvation. Sin will always be a part of my mortal life, but I don't have to succumb to it. I might fall down, but thanks to Jesus I don't have to stay there. I can let Him pick me up, dust me off, and carry me on to the next higher plane. I have the choice to turn away from the sin and toward Jesus. In other words, I have HOPE of escaping the penalty of sin because I've been forgiven and washed clean with the blood of Jesus. God no longer sees sinful me hiding in my filthy rags, but He sees me clean and forgiven after my bath in the blood of Jesus.
Am I always going to struggle with sin? Yes. Am I ever going to conquer sin and temptation? Not in this life. But what a comfort that I don't have to be perfect to be loved and forgiven. Do I deserve it? Not at all. Am I grateful? Absolutely!

Invisible

Value. It's one of the most important things a person can feel. Those who do not feel valued by their family, employers, friends, co-workers live empty lives full of despair. I don't know... maybe it's just me. But I don't feel valued. I feel invisible.

But God is showing me otherwise. I am learning that God loves me and values me just as I am. I am His chosen child, born into His family not out of obligation, but of choice-- mine and His. I am accepted by Him. I am no longer a hopeless sinner, but forgiven and saved through the shedding of Jesus' blood. He valued me enough to pay for my sins by trading his sinless life for the torment and humiliation of the cross. Why can I not wrap my mind around that? Why can't I believe that I am that important to Him? Why do I continually slap Him in the face when I belittle myself with feelings of worthlessness and insecurity? I AM SECURE in Christ!! I can't lose that! Even if I turn my back and walk away from Him, He will pursue me because He LOVES me and purchased me from death. I don't have the right to wallow in self pity. I have the blessing of salvation and the hope of a future serving and glorifying my Jesus!!

I'm learning that I don't need people, a job, or even a family to validate me. I don't need to be successful or wealthy in the world's eyes to give me purpose. I don't need knowledge or wisdom or pedagogical degrees to give me worth. I don't need social graces and an outgoing personality to esteem me. I just need Jesus. He has already validated me, stamped me with HIS seal of approval. I just need to display that 'stamp' to the world and be okay with me just like Christ is okay with me. If I'm good enough for Jesus, I'm good enough for me and everybody else. WOW! And it only took 28 years for that to sink in! I am REALLY a slow learner! Thank goodness God is patient and persistent!

Now, on to lesson two...

Reflections

Yesterday, my baby boy got married. I can't believe this little towhead boy that I've loved more than life itself is beginning another chapter of his life with the girl of his dreams. How many parents get to say that? As I prayed for him during the ceremony, watching him lead his wife in the taking of communion as his first act as a husband, I just poured my overflowing heart in praise to a God who would bless me in such a way. My eyes overflowed as I thanked Him for helping me raise such a godly man, who wants more than anything to be the spiritual leader of his home. I watched him on the screen at the rehearsal, a bubbly little vivacious boy who was almost always happy and smiling, and singing. He loved going to 'Jesus's' house and as he grew, I never had to force him much to come to church.  As we danced our 'mother-son' dance, my heart was so full. I told him I was not the perfect parent, but hoped I'd given him enough foundation to take now and build his own family on. He smiled and said, 'Oh, I tell people I had a drug problem when I was younger--- I was drug to church every time the door was open!' What a profound statement that just reinforced me! Every parent worries, 'Have I given them enough (spiritual leadership)? Can they face trials on their own? Do they know how crucial it is to keep Christ as their focus throughout their marriage? All those fears were put to rest as they vowed to each other to follow Christ in every aspect of their life. My dreams for my son were fulfilled at that moment. I have prayed continually over the years, that my son would find the wife that God had picked out just for him. The word to this Wayne Watson song has been my mantra:
 "And I don't even know her name, but I'm praying for her just the same,
    That the Lord will write her name upon His heart.
For somewhere in the course of this life, my little boy will need  a godly wife,
   So hold on to Jesus, baby, wherever you are."
Well, my little boy found the godly wife of his dreams in his precious Brittney! She has kept him focused on their future and how much that depended on him getting his degree. I truly believe she was a primary catalyst in him finishing.

Baby boy, if you're reading this, know that it's never too early to begin praying for your children. I love you as much as a mortal person can love another. If I call you too much or ask too many questions, it's just because I want to always feel connected to you and Brittney. It's hard letting you go, knowing there's now another to take my place, but that's as it should be. God has got His hands on you in a big way. I am sooooo proud of you, the choices you've made and are continuing to make, the path you've chosen, the life you're building with Britt. I could never have ever asked for a better child. Just promise me you'll remember your old mom now and again, and smile.

God's getting my attention

Why do we not know God? According to Charles Stanley there are three very real reasons: 1) haven't heard the gospel and so don't know that Jesus is waiting for them to come to Him, 2) lack of interest in God- busy-ness of life crowds Him out... we just "don't have time" to spend with Him, and 3) not willing to sacrifice the time or 'pay the price' of spending time with God. I admit I fall in the second category. My life has been filled with church activities, kids activities, work, TV, and computer 'play' that I have no time for Bible study, prayer, and meditation. It is no coincidence that my restlessness and dissatisfaction led me to Stan's class last night. I've been so busy with activities and programs that I've crowded out any chances to know God and bear fruit. I will say, however, that I find it particularly hard to experience God's love when I am focused on me and what I'm not getting... from God, from my family, from my church, from others. It's only when I'm able to let go of my selfish desires and put myself last that I'm going to experience fulfillment and joy. (How many times have I heard that before? When am i ever going to listen!) When we stray from his purposes, he can get our attention in a number of ways: a restless spirit, someone's spoken word, an unusual blessing, unanswered prayer, disappointment, financial troubles, defeat, tragedy, illness, affliction. The question is: am I willing to put myself last? Am I willing to put everyone's needs before my own WITHOUT POUTING OR RESENTMENT to bring honor and glory to God? When I am, then I can move ahead... 

Here's a question... How do you keep two teenagers (actually one 19 and one 21) who are home for the summer working, and very much in love with significant others in far away towns, happy and content while missing their sweeties terribly? I'd pay well for a working solution! All I can say is that I'm glad ichat is free. That seems to be a temporary fix for Lauren and Daniel, but Ryan and Brittney don't have webcams, so I guess that will be my fix for them.

solitaire

Solitaire. A game of one. A game for one. One. A lonely number, except in a marriage. Two become one. But what happens when two stay two? There is no 'one'? Loneliness. I am alone in a lot of areas in my life. I don't feel that anyone has ever really taken me seriously. Oh there are expectations; there've always been expectations of me. But I've never seemed to fully live up to them. I am not the perfectionist that my mother is. No matter what I DO do, there's always something I did NOT do that I should have done. I am not the stylish, hip mom my daughter would like. Chronic pain cramps my all day shopping sprees and 'fun' activities. I'm not the understanding 'Donna Reed' wife my husband needs. I don't like to cook or plan meals, but I do like to fix things and do little home improvement projects myself. I'm not supermom who is involved with every activity their kids ever got involved in, but I rarely missed a game, competition, or performance they were in. I'm not the outgoing conversationalist that is the life of the party. I have a very hard time letting anybody get close. They might see the real me and find nothing worth their time. I mean if my own family can't accept me for who I am, who else will?
All I've ever wanted was to feel that I was OK just the way I was. I've always been a pleaser, looking for approval. The most effective punishment my parents could administer was to express disappointment in me or my efforts. I made straight A's (well, a few B's) all through school. Don't remember many pats on the back, or even words of praise. So I tried harder. I had always hoped my husband would be on my side. But I'm not a trophy wife, don't go in for high fashion, name brands, etc. Consequently, I am basically invisible. Nobody in my family cares about what I like or enjoy. I love fantasy and science fiction, even animated movies and books. I love puzzles of all kinds. I like to play games. I enjoy learning about new things, figuring out how things work, going to museums, exhibits, theater events. I love my computer... like to check e-mails and surf new topics looking for good educational websites for curricurlar areas of study at school. I love spending time digital editing of pictures and video clips, and making them into presentation shows. I love Christmas... decorating, seeing lights, going to programs, playing and singing Christmas carols. I would like to spend the day serving Thanksgiving dinner to shelter or homeless people. I think giving to others less fortunate would be a great family experience. Just wish my family thought the same. There have got to be some people out there who like the things I do. Is it so unusual to be interested in such things?